because of you

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For years I’ve ignored the hurt and the pain you caused me. I felt responsible to take care of everyone. I needed to be the strong one. I also didn’t want to be a victim or an attention whore. I buried everything so deep for so long that I had mistakenly thought I was healed from it all. You were my world; you meant everything to me. I would have done anything for you. It didn’t matter how many mistakes you made.

I remember that time you were in the hospital and I couldn’t even look at you. I was so torn up inside to see you so sick and weak. You were my world. You broke promises and one day you just left. You stopped fighting for me, you weren’t there for me when I needed you.

You are emotionally unstable, unreliable, unpredictable, selfish, manipulative, and the list goes on and on and on. But you still don’t get it. You didn’t get it then, and you still don’t. You were my world daddy. And you left me. You were the first man I loved with my whole heart and you left me. For the rest of my life I will carry around this scar; forever feeling like I’m not good enough for any man.

It doesn’t matter what I know in my head. In my head, I know I’m beautiful, I deserve a good man who loves me and shares the same hopes and dreams in life. And yet I keep settling, I settle for the littlest attention I can from a man – I am ashamed of this too because I know better. When each relationship goes south, and it always does because I settle for the wrong men, I assume it is my fault. I leave before he can leave me and I never really open up to someone. I can’t give someone my heart because the last time I did that he left; you left.

It’s time I forgive you, if I don’t forgive you then I will never heal. If I don’t heal I’ll never move on. If I don’t move on I’ll never really love or allow myself to love. You’re an imperfect man who made many mistakes and I forgive you. You didn’t think of my pain, you only saw yours. I’d like to think that if you did see my pain you would have been present. I’m not ready to let you back in my life, but I am choosing to forgive you.

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What is Reality

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Letting go.:

It was silly of me to think that it was real. Actually, no it wasn’t. Yeah, we met through an infamous dating hookup site. However, there were so many times that he treated “us” like it was more than just FwB. Our first date was star gazing with wine. I remember one night on our way to star gaze again he looked over at me and said I looked nice. The way he said it made me completely melt like there was really something there. He talked about the future which included me: “Next summer we could….” “we totally need to do this…” Our horoscopes said we were perfect for one another – not that I follow those. He wasn’t perfect, but I thought what we had was real.

I was blind.

Now I see.

He knew he couldn’t lead me on anymore so he became busy and avoided me. I asked him what was going on – you know the post about “if we were just fucking.” I initially interpreted his response naively. His response was, “Well I don’t want to date…… still want to be friends and hang out…..” I thought he meant truly friends, but he clearly met FwB. I now see it clearly. I’m not sure why he led me on. Maybe it’s because he is a “nice guy.” None of this would hurt or even matter as much if he didn’t lead me to believe that what we had was real.

If you’re the nice guy who feels bad and just wants to be nice – at least make sure that in doing so you aren’t leading the other person on.

I was blind. Maybe I’m still blind, but I feel the pain that comes with realizing what “we” had wasn’t real.

Now I see. I’m choosing me.

Explosions

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It will never be the same.

I finally said what I needed to him. In the beginning, he seemed so interested and then these last few weeks he seemed to be pushing me away for some odd reason. “Are we just fucking?” I asked. We started sleeping together to soon which was neither of our intentions… it just happened, and then again, and then again, and you get the picture. He responds that he isn’t looking to date, but would still like to be friends. I thought, sure yeah totally. I’m not looking to date right now anyway. I’d much rather know someone before truly investing. Every time we were together is was great. So, how could I turn down the offer?

1st interaction after this conversation: I just wanted him to touch me, kiss me, cuddle me, and quite possibly fuck me. But we didn’t. We just sat awkwardly on opposite sides of the couch actually “Netflix and Chill”.

My friend asked me if I could do the friends with benefits? In theory, yes  when I’m with him – yes. But, when I’m not with him – no. It eats at me, tearing me down.

I left his place and began to cry, an unexpected reaction. It felt like rejection, even though I know it wasn’t.

Realistically: maybe he had a terrible relationship before me, maybe he just isn’t ready to commit and just wants his freedom, we also don’t really know a lot about one another. Emotionally: he doesn’t want me anymore. I’m not sure if I can do this friends thing after experiencing so much more. I didn’t imagine it would be difficult, and even if I had, I couldn’t have prepared myself for the ache inside. A part of me wishes I could just fuck and it not mean anything. But for me, sex and emotions are so intertwined that nothing could separate the two. So now trying to go backwards is very difficult and painful. I want to give this “friends” thing a good honest try but I’m not sure how. I almost threw up from the anxiety I felt afterwards.

It will never be the same.

How I Accidentally Became the “Cool Girl”

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I never intended on becoming the “cool girl”. I’ve always been the strong independent female who speaks her mind and puts herself first… gasp… I know. But somehow a close friend (who is no longer a friend) convinced me that I needed to play the game, if I ever hoped to not die alone with 60 cats. So, I decided I’d learn the game and play it because guys love it. Every move I fucking hated. Like a game of chess, you’re not only considering your next move, but your opponents next move before your initial one. All that overthinking was enough to make my head spin and overwhelm me. I’m one of those people prone to anxiety (if that’s a thing). I found myself involved with this guy who was not perfect but definitely met several things I was looking for and it seemed to be going well. I swore it was because I learned to play the game, despite the toll it slowly took on me. I began to overthink, over analyze, and never say what was on my mind (180 degrees). I was so concerned with being the “Cool Girl”, that I didn’t even recognize the insecure shell of a woman I was becoming. After 2 months of seeing each other at least once a week and texting almost daily he sort of fell of the grid for 3 weeks. He was super busy and didn’t have time to say “hey, how’s it going?”… apparently. No matter how busy a guy is, if he is interested in a girl he will make an effort to make contact – at least within a week time frame, don’t you think? I suppose it doesn’t really matter what you think in this case. What matters is how it made me feel and what the appropriate way is to inform him it bothered me without becoming psycho (because we aren’t official). After a few nights of crying myself to sleep, sick with anxiety, I decided it was time to make a move. I put myself out there to make small talk and make plans, but quickly realized I needed to just say what was on my mind. I need to “do me” and if he doesn’t like me then it wasn’t going to work anyway. I have this quote on my wall, “If we wait until we’re ready, we will wait the rest of our lives”. And with that, I sent the text. I still kept is cool and casual because the truth is he doesn’t owe me anything sense we never discussed what we are or what we want. But, I owe it to myself to be upfront and do what makes me happy (including being around people who make me happy). I feel freedom. I don’t know what his response will be, but it doesn’t really matter. This wasn’t about him, but about me refusing to be the Gone Girl, Cool Girl and just be my independent/ fearless self.

Out of Your Greatest Weakness Comes Your Greatest Strength

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Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength. #Quotes #JustAThought #BeautifulWords:

I’ve recently (within the last 4 months) allowed myself to become vulnerable again. I’ve opened myself up to emotions, feelings, the highs and lows of life, people, love, etc. This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made.  Every time I’m vulnerable, I end up hurt. Crying on the floor, unable to sleep, and constantly feeling like I may throw up. Life is tricky business, because we all want to find love. We were made to love and be loved. No matter how much we try to deny it; it is factual and we all know it if we allow ourselves to truly self reflect. However, opening yourself up to love also means opening yourself up to pain. It seems I attract pain in these situations. Blame it on my daddy issues (although I like to think those aren’t an issue, but yes a part of me none the less). I just get too attached – no matter how hard I try not to, no matter how hard I convince myself of the truth, my emotions just run away and when the person doesn’t live up to my expectations I’m heart-broken. Maybe it’s because I see the best in people… maybe I’m too optimistic… I don’t know. But in my moments of doubt when I think I should run away from emotions again, this quote reminds me that out of my vulnerabilities comes strength.

 

I Enjoyed Us

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Not necessarily a break up quote just for intimate relationships. I've felt this way about friendships as well:

I’ve been “seeing” this guy sense…. mid October. It started off pretty well, I thought. We went star gazing, drank wine, enjoyed each other’s company, made time in our busy schedules to just “Netflix and Chill”. Recently, however, he has been very distant (the last 3 to 4 weeks). Granted he has had a lot going on, but (and you can ask anyone about this) I was extremely patient and understanding. So much so that I’m not sure how, but moving along. I really wanted him to make some sort of initiative. In the beginning he asked me out on dates but it quickly became me planning/asking/ and then always being the first to text. No joke, I once waited a week to see how long it would take for him to message me… he didn’t until I did. I’m a firm believer in communication and not expecting someone to do something if you haven’t communicated what you need/want and if they haven’t acknowledged it. With that in mind, I finally said something like, “Hey know you’re super busy and I’m used to guys initiating things so let me know when you want to hang out and if I’m available I’d like to.” He acknowledged this, ball in his court- YES! Except he didn’t pick up the ball and play? I was so confused because when we hung out it was always a “high” moment. We had a good time every time. He was cute and sweet. And always receptive to whatever I suggested. I thought by clearly putting the ball in his court he’d play a little, even if he was busy/ shy/ nervous/ or whatever. But nope. Inset week of not hearing from him after this conversation. No, “hope your day was good, I’m beat.” Not, “I’d like to hang out soon, but not sure when.” He didn’t ask how my day was or anything at all, nada. I’ve decided it’s time to say goodbye. There are, what, 2 reasons why he could be acting this way: 1. he isn’t interested (lose), or 2. he is wayyyyyyy busy to even say hello once in a week – or maybe longer if I didn’t reach out (lose). So, my options with him are lose or lose. As sad as it is to say goodbye, he and I were maybe never meant to be, but I enjoyed every moment with him.

Writing Exercises

So, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m terrible at blogging on the regular. However, I’ve come up with a series of writing exercises that I think will help. We all have pictures, quotes, songs, art pieces, people, moments, etc. that inspire us or remind us of simple truths that we somehow forget from time to time. I’m going to try to write more on these things. My focus will be mainly quotes, but on occasion I may feel compelled to write about something else. Hope you enjoy.

 

The Grey Area that is not so Grey

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He was tall, dark, and handsome. He even had an accent. We met online. That first week we spent hours talking on the phone. He had this ability to know me in a way I didn’t know myself. I’d later learn that it wasn’t that he knew me, it was that he was manipulating me.

It’s a dangerous place to be in when you just want someone to love you. When you’re in this place, you become blind to red flags and justify every wrong move.

I think I was just so attracted to him physically and my self-esteem was so low that I wanted to do anything to keep a man like him. After that first week of talking we decided to meet up for coffee. We had escalated emotionally before even meeting. We were unnaturally immersed with one another – it wasn’t healthy. Things progressed from there and we decided to be exclusive on our first date.

A week into the relationship he tells me that he is looking to get married. Wait… what? I’ve known this guy for two weeks (one of which was completely phone contact). I’m overwhelmed and confused. I stupidly thought I loved this guy, but marriage? He said he wasn’t from this country and his Visa expired in a few months. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was like a scene from a movie. I ended it. I couldn’t marry him, I barely knew him and I’d never know if he was marrying me for me or for a green card.

The relationship shattered me. It shouldn’t have, but like I said we escalated emotionally way too soon. He also was manipulative and I had low self-esteem. I also thought I loved him, and that he loved me. The funny thing is before him I didn’t believe in love. It was like finding out something people talked about as being the best thing ever was actually real, after believing for so long that it wasn’t.

About a month after ending things I reached back out. I needed to know if he liked me or if he just was desperate to get married. He said he really liked me [looking back now it’s obvious he was using me – he was unwilling to compromise, it was marry him or nothing but I didn’t discover this till much later and way after the next part of this story]. I decided I didn’t know if I’d ever feel this way again about someone. So many women lose their virginity in a violent manner. Perhaps this was an opportunity for me to lose mine to someone I cared about and someone I thought cared about me. I thought we were in love and me being a feminist, I was intrigued for it to be of my own volition.

Sex with him FUCKING hurt, and he didn’t stop when I asked him to. I remember the pain being unlike anything I had ever felt. I asked him to stop but he said no, that we had to push through the pain. I remember telling myself “you want this” and that what he was doing was somehow okay. I remember crying… more like having a melt down and begging him to stop and he still wouldn’t. I remember telling myself that this was my fault. What is worse, I remember apologizing after.

If you had told me a year before this, that this would happen, I would have said you were lying. I would have said there is no way I’d ever let a man violate me. There is no way I’d allow myself to be in a set of circumstances for a man to have the opportunity.

It wasn’t until 10 months after the event, that I even realized what he did was wrong. He raped me. Women are so conditioned in society to blame themselves when a man does something inappropriate to them. What is ironic is that I’m a strong female feminist and not only was I raped, but I blamed myself and didn’t even acknowledge it as rape till almost a year later. I can only imagine the countless other women  this has sadly happened to.

This is not a grey area, even though it is how we think of it. Let’s set something straight, “no” means no and “stop” means stop, no ands ifs or buts about it! If consensual sex ever becomes non-consensual (including during the act), then it becomes sexual abuse. If your partner says no or stop and you don’t, that is sexual assault. And vice versa if you say no or stop. [Now please note that I’m not discussing those of you who say no or stop in a sexual way and don’t actually mean it in the literal sense just as long as that is a precedent you’ve established with your partner already].

We need to change the cultural mindset. Rape is rape, no matter what the person was wearing, where they were going, what their job is, or even if it started as consensual. The moment it is not consensual is the moment it becomes wrong, and a violation of one’s body.

For those who have been sexually abused, we know it’s not just a violation of our body, but of our heart, our mind, our being. But there is healing. I’ve always believed that the things that happen in your life can make you or break you. One can choose to be a victim or survivor.

I debated sharing my story. There are so many rape stories out there. I thought, does the world need another one? I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want to be accused of attention seeking.  But, I realized something. Why are these our go to reactions when a woman stands up for herself? Why do we blame someone who becomes vulnerable just for a chance of helping someone else? And why would another story be too much, when clearly this is still a real issue? Not just in our society, but in others. Did you know in India it is legal for a man to rape his wife? Wait… I’m sorry, what?! Yeah, you heard correctly. We need to change the way we think about rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse, etc. Enough is enough and this is not a grey area issue. We need to start sticking up for what is right and put a stop to what is wrong. I can’t be the only one who feels morally obligated to do so.

I also want to say that rape doesn’t just happen to a woman by a man. It can happen to any gender from any gender. One of my brothers was sexually abused for years by my other brother. So please note, that although I mention the female side of things (it’s the perspective I most understand) I know it is wrong regardless of the gender and that not only females are abused.

The next time you here about rape, don’t ask what she was wearing. The next time someone says no or stop, you need to listen and obey. The next time anyone tells you about what happened to them, be a sympathetic listener and don’t you dare say it was their fault. And the next time anyone ignores you when you say no or stop, understand it is not your fault, you did not want this or deserve it. Also know that you are loved and your life has purpose and meaning. You can overcome your hardships, allow them to make you not break you and become a survivor not a victim.

30 by 30 *Update

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I’m 22 and almost a half – that counts right? Anyway…. I’ve still got sometime to complete these, but let’s cross a few of them off… maybe with stories?!

1. Visit Paris – YES! I went (May 2015) and completely fell in love with everything and everyone. It’s a beautiful city that everyone should visit… but maybe when it’s a little safer.

5. Cherry on top – yeah (December 2014), but we will discuss this more later.

14. Get a tattoo – it is the best tattoo ever (July 2015) – a sweet little french phrase that I’m sure I’ll love forever.

21. Meet as many Disney characters as possible – so this is kind of ongoing obviously, but I did go to Disney World (March 2015) and bought an autograph book that now has several key signatures. However, there are still many more to get!

26. Pixie cut – it was the most amazing thing I did for myself (November 2013) and then I shaved half my head (March 2014). If you’re wondering how this looked, think Miley Cyrus, except I rocked it – it forced me to face the hard truth that beauty cannot be skin deep and that what lies underneath the surface is so much more important. I learned that confidence is key and when in doubt “fake it till ya make it.”

 

It’s been a little while

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Okay, to be fair I’m pretty sure I warned that I’m bad at the “post a day… or week” thing. I went through and reread my old posts and realized a few things.

  1. My grammar was pretty bad – now if you’re thinking it will be better, please don’t get your hopes up. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
  2. I’ve changed…. like a lot… but not a lot at the same time… interesting.
  3. Emotional much – oh wait I think that is why I haven’t posted in a long time and now have decided to again. Okay so this is a little funny. I went through a period of time when I decided to “shut off” my emotions. Or at least as best I could “Vampire Diaries” it and “turn of my humanity.” But within the last few months I decided to open myself up again to pain and be vulnerable all for the sake of a maybe chance at love. So basically I’m still going to be an emotional basket shit case.
  4. Does anyone even follow me anyway – well at the very least this is kind of like a diary – yay for online journals being forever documented for future humiliation (aka this blog).
  5. Nope that is pretty much it…..

Thanks for welcoming me back with open arms 🙂